Studies in Pity: Hitchhiking for Love on the Information Superhighway and Other Bad Metaphors, part 1

Since Studies in Pity will almost certainly be the topic of the 2011 Massey Lectures it's time now to come up with some more material, to delve deep into the black morass of human emotion to see what can be dredged up. We have already examined madness bred in extreme solitude, have examined artwork bred of extreme madness, and witnessed extreme slavishness born of madness; now we look toward the most catholic of human experiences, this being love, and the pity it occasions. Put on your diving suit, turn on your high-intensity diving light, steel thy heart, and wade in with me. Watch out for seaweed strands of desperation, lest they snatch you and prevent you from returning to the loveless world of reality.

Our first visit is to the Winnipeg branch of craiglist.com, one of several popular classifieds sites on the Internet. This site acts as a virtual version of the classifieds page in your local newspaper, wherein, entirely free of charge, one can advertise one's wares, whether car, boat, or half-bottle of Percocet, and then browse the advertisements made by others. When that becomes boring, one can then post in the "rants and raves" section about how much one hates Natives and bad drivers (both of whom will form the bases of Studies in Pity yet to come). When one becomes horny one can direct one's browser to the "personals" section of craigslist, where one can try their luck in sighting warm bodies awaiting love's completion. This is our task.

Item One: Jesus saves but does not provide earth-shattering orgasms

Hello there :)

Ideally I'm looking for a virgin, Christian guy with his head on his shoulders. Someone compassionate about life and ambitious. As well ideally I'd be looking for someone 18-19. I'm wanting an honest relationship with someone that's understanding, not afraid to be wrong and fun. .

I'm a cute, mature, fit female looking for mr.right I guess you could say haha :)

Please attach a picture of yourself and even if you don't think you fit into everything i listed off...there's no harm in sending a message my way and seeing what happens...is there?

For the subject please describe yourself in 2 words! (something a little different)
Take care :)

The words, of course, are just adorable, but it's the picture which is really heartbreaking - you will notice that the reflection in the mirror spells out the first personal plural pronoun. But why are "you" in the shadows? Is she looking for a black man? Who knows. More difficult are her age and experience requirements: 18-19 and untried in the contest of love. Will our mature, fit female ever find a strapping-yet-virginal baptized teenage boy to satisfy her carnal needs? Even if she could, what would the neighbours say about such an unholy union? And one can only imagine what monstrosities the two-word subject requirement will give rise to:

Huge Cock
Cock, Large
Teen Cock
Hung Sexy
Big Pimpin'
Stylin' Right
Love Hungry
Sweet Sensitive
Bargain Hunter
Pussy Magnet
Ass Man

Well, there are some examples for you if you're going to e-mail her. Don't forget that you have to be a "Christian virgin," so, once you've had your fill of non-alcoholic cider and Seventh Heaven reruns and have coaxed your elderly lover into the bedroom, make sure you make a show of removing the cross dangling around your neck before you get into bed, and spend a while fumbling with her bra strap, claiming "you've never done this before." Once you're in, whisper that now you know "what God looks like" before squeezing out a few tears - this should ensure that she doesn't invite you back for another session. If she does, marry her.

Item Two: "I will look at you."

just want the shy nerdy lady??????? - m4w - 51

yes you are the one,although you have a nice body no one takes a second look at you ,it didn,t matter if you were in high school ,university or college or just in the mall. well this man wants you,any race,no use you missing out any longer,meet me in the mall,i will look at you.

This advertisement comes from the "casual encounters" section. "Casual encounters" contains nothing but solicitations from men seeking a sex partner of either gender; it is absolutely impossible to find a woman advertising herself here. This shouldn't be surprising, but it is worth pointing out. Our subject here is actually quite typical, there being two types of men seeking casual encounters: young gays, and old men trapped in loveless marriages who salivate over their daughter's friends. Here we clearly have an example of the latter, though one with an admirable tolerance for the sexual organs of lesser races: "this man wants you," we are told, "any race." How nice. You-of-any-race must of course have a rockin' bod before he will even consider looking at you, but, if you do, rest assured that he will look at you. He says so in the last line of his entry: "I will look at you." This is the rub: he doesn't want to have sex with you, he just wants to look, to feast his eyes on some "shy nerdy lady." One, two hours will pass as he ravishes you with his peepers, sucking down Johnny Walker and chain-smoking cigarillos. He won't ask you to dance, or strip, or to do anything else, but, after he has satisfied himself, will simply stuff twenty dollars into your pants before hustling you off. Don't call him again, because it will be his wife who answers, and she will not be pleased to learn of his kinda-sorta infidelity (imagine the awkwardness of that conversation, please). Instead, enjoy your money, spend it on something to make you feel pretty, but not too pretty, because then strange old illiterate men will not lust after you.

Item Three: Emporiontis, Greek god of erotic discount shopping

Eye contact at Superstore - w4m - 20

Last week, you were ahead of my mother and I in line at Superstore.
You were wearing a brown leather jacket with jeans and an Orlando Bloom type ponytail. I couldn't help but think that you looked like a beautiful Greek God.
I had to ask you to move so I could get my cart by you. We made eye contact and I felt shivers go up my spine.

Just so I know it's you, in your email please tell me which Superstore location we were at.

-Greek Goddess

Well, here we are. Life hasn't gone the way we wanted it to go. We're lonely, miserable, saddled with three children, bills, fried-chicken dinners. We're shopping, again. Dad's in jail, again. The cart rolls along, one wheel sticking, burdened down by bulk cases of pizza pockets and corn dogs (why are the kids so fat?). You're not even sure if the Trans Am is going to make it home this time.

That's when it happens. From the maze of fluorescent dome lights above a beam of dazzling brightness shoots down, illuminating a single object, a more-than-man standing at the checkout counter. Clad in leather and denim, his frayed pony-tail stirred majestically by the breezes issuing forth from the HVAC system, he is as a Greek god. His broad shoulders, his sagging gut, his granite jaw, his impeccable fashion sense: all speak to his divinity. You nearly swoon, but recover just in time to see him cast a glance in your direction, (those magnetic brown eyes!). He is gone. He's forgotten to pack away a red pepper. You take the pepper and hold it close, promising to treasure it forever. "Now now, my sweet," you whisper to your relic, before tucking it away in your purse. You will have to seek him out. He lives not on Olympus, of course, but on the Internet, just as all modern gods do.